FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS IN THE BIBLE

Instructor: Barbara Sutnick
sutnick@internet-zahav.net

Week 2
COURTSHIP IN OUR FIRST FAMILIES

But first some....
BIBLICAL WISDOM ON MARRIAGE

Before we ask how biblical suitors sought their spouses, we should make some attempt to define marriage as the Bible sees it. Who or what were they looking for in an EZeR k'NeGDo (helpmeet)? We saw that the Garden of Eden story did not concern itself with direct answers to our questions about marriage, leaving us to draw our own conclusions. We will find this to be true in general in the narrative sections on which most of this course will be based. There are, however, several places in the Writings section of the Bible in which we find a varied assortment of pithy statements which do deal with marriage directly. These books represent a genre that is called wisdom literature. In wisdom literature, advice about how one should think or live, or other philosophical pronouncements are offered directly to the reader by the narrator. These statements are addressed to the male half of the couple, as indeed is most biblical law, admonition, and counsel. This reflects the overall patriarchal nature of biblical society and more specifically the fact that men were most likely to be educated to read wisdom literature.

The book of Ecclesiastes, traditionally held to have been written by King Solomon in his later years, is generally a rather pessimistic and even cynical philosophical work. About marriage, however, Ecclesiastes says: "Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your life of vanity..." The book of Proverbs also contains a varied selection of short statements about wives.

In 18:22 we read, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor of the Lord;" in 19:13, "...the contentions of a wife are a continuously dripping (faucet)...but a prudent wife is from the Lord;" in 14:1, "The wisdom of women builds her house, but folly plucks it down with her hands;" and in 12:4, "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband, but she that acts shamefully is as rottenness in his bones."

Perhaps the only conclusion to be drawn from this collection of verses is that they reflect what many know to be true from life experience: when marriage is good, it can be very, very good; but when it is bad it is awful! The oft-quoted "Woman of Valor" section, from Proverbs 31 is a lengthy discourse on the virtues of a good wife. Taken as a whole, it describes a super-woman of impossible proportions. Taken verse by verse (which is beyond the scope of this course), it gives a generous list of what the writer held to be attributes of good wives. Allegorical interpretations of the Woman of Valor are many, and are also beyond the scope of this course.)

Just before probing the mind of three young biblical suitors, it would be helpful to try to understand whether biblical man viewed marriage as having permanence. After all, a limited-term commitment is not the same as a limitless commitment. Accounts of divorce in the Bible are few and far between, and leave us wondering what grounds (other than very extreme ones) would serve as grounds for divorce in a biblical couple. In the time of Ezra (10:2-44), when the Jews returned to Israel after the Babylonian captivity, a mass divorce was ordered. All Israelites who had married foreign women at that time were forced to send and their children away. In several prophetic books, divorce is connected to adultery. This is not surprising, even though at times divorce and adultery are both to be understood in a metaphorical sense: as a reference to the relationship between God and the Jewish people (more on this idea in Lesson 6).

In Deuteronomy 24:1 we find the biblical divorce law: If a man's wife "fails to please him because he finds something obnoxious about her" he can divorce her. The phrase rendered in English as "something obnoxious" demands interpretation. The mishna's (see annotated bibliography, lesson #1) ideas range from adultery or "unappealing behavior/aspects on her part, to his having found somebody he likes better. The onus seems to rest on her to keep spice and good spirit in the marriage. To effect the divorce, however, he cannot simply send her away with a word, but must write her a "bill of divorcement." This provision no doubt saved many marriages from ending in an angry moment with an outcast wife making her rueful way back to her father's tent after hastily gathering up her belongings. A biblical husband first had to organize writing implements, and perhaps even a scribe to write for him -- a useful check against impulsiveness. We do not know how frequently divorces occurred in Bible times. The only incident (that is not metaphorical) that we will come across in this course is the banishment of Hagar, who may not have had the full status of "wife" to begin with. What we can guess is that wealthy biblical husbands responded to unsatisfying marriages by taking additional wives and distancing themselves from the objectionable ones.

COURTSHIP IN OUR FIRST FAMILIES

Returning to the narrative sections of the Pentateuch, let us see what we can derive about the search for the ideal spouse from three famous courtship stories: Isaac and Rebecca (Genesis 24), Jacob and Rachel (Genesis 27:46-28:2 and 29:9-20), Moses and Tzipporah (Exodus 2:11-30). What criteria or characteristics if any seem to inform these courtships? Are these criteria useful today? What forces are operating in these stories that make them different from current western dating patterns? Please read the above-mentioned sections in your Bible before continuing with this lecture. Jot down your own observations and ideas about these courting couples before continuing to read this lecture. Please e-mail to me any thoughts or questions that are not dealt with below.

The first thing we should notice is that all of the initial introductions in these stories were made at a well. This was where young people congregated in numbers in Bible times at predictable times of the day to water their flocks -- men and women together, so it seems. Indeed we know that the heavy stone that covered the mouth of the well could not be removed by one or even two people alone. This reflects a system by which the water was shared among shepherds in the area. It is no coincidence that a singles' bar today is referred to as a "watering hole"!

In each of these stories the suitor (or his representative) goes to a distant land to find a wife. Abraham, the first Hebrew, is eager to ensure that his son Isaac will continue to following the One God. He sees this as a family imperative that must be supported by both husband and wife. Abraham thus makes his servant swear that Isaac will never be married to one of the local Canaanite women, but rather a wife will be sought for Isaac back in "the old country" (Haran) among Abraham's kin. It is reasonable to ask why Abraham insisted upon a daughter-in-law from among the people of Haran, who were idolaters just as were the local Canaanite population. First we see here an antecedent of the common tendency still found among people who work with matchmakers to seek matches for their children in communities in which they have connections. This makes verifying the qualities of the in-laws much easier. Also as Rashi suggests, since Abraham converted all members of his household to monotheism, perhaps he sought by this match to bring the Hebrew faith to members of his own original family. Another comment by the rabbis is that the idolatry of Canaan included the heinous practice of child sacrifice which was not practiced in Haran. Thus a girl from Haran would be less cruel and callous than a Canaanite. Perhaps the most convincing explanation is that Abraham wanted his daughter-in-law to fall completely under the influence of her new family. This is best achieved if she comes from afar, and effectively severs ties with the faith, customs and people of her past. We will see that one generation later, Rebecca also tells Isaac that she is sick of her (local) Hittite daughters-in-law (Esau's wives), and wants to send Jacob to seek a wife back in Haran.

In the case of Moses, we know that he was fleeing Egypt for fear of being prosecuted for murder. He does not set out to seek his future wife, but comes across her at the well quite by chance. Moses defends seven sisters who are being harassed by the male shepherds, and then waters their flocks. When they tell their father, Jethro the priest of Midian, about Moses he chides them for not inviting Moses home. Moses joins Jethro's encampment, and is soon wed to Tzipporah, Jethro's daughter. The traditional commentators on the Torah were clearly perturbed by the fact that the great leader-to-be Moses would marry a woman who is not a Hebrew. After all, in Moses' generation there were already many Hebrew women to choose from. Indeed, according to a midrash which endeavors to mitigate this problem, the reason the seven sisters were harassed by the shepherds was because their father had recently renounced paganism and his priesthood and had embraced monotheism. His daughters, who had been of aristocratic priestly class, were now outcasts, reduced to fetching their own water and working as shepherdesses. (Shir Hashirim Rabba 1,32) This midrash clearly senses the strong traditional Jewish prohibition against intermarriage in the biblical text. Tzipporah's concern that her sons be circumcised (Ex. 4:25) supports the idea of her commitment to Hebrew ways. Jethro's later blessing of the God of the Hebrews and offering of sacrifices to Him (Exodus 18, Lesson 3) also contributes to the view that Jethro was a proselyte.

The above stories contain clues about the criteria for choosing a suitable spouse. Jethro is drawn to a potential son-in-law who shows kindness to his daughters in their hour of need and a willingness to work hard without thought of reward. According to Rashi, Moses acts out of no ulterior motive, since he had been too preoccupied to even think about marriage, but rather out of pure altruism. He does not even request hospitality or protection from his host, something that may have been expected by a fugitive who had found favor with local residents.

Eleazer, sent by Abraham to bring back a wife for Isaac, devises a type of character test for determining who the right woman would be. His value system seems to coincide with that of Jethro. He says: "O Lord...let the maiden to whom I say 'Please lower your jar that I may drink,' and who replies, 'Drink, and I will also water your camels'--let her be the one..."(Ex. 24:13-14) Eleazer is floored when a beautiful young woman, comes forth and fulfills his "test" to the letter. When she turns out to be from Abraham's family, he cannot believe his good fortune. Again we see an emphasis on kindness and no fear of hard work (camels drink a lot!) on the part of the chosen mate. We note that these qualities were sought out in parallel fashion in these two stories both for biblical sons-in-law and daughters-in-law.

The Bible emphasizes an additional quality in Rebecca which is not discussed in the case of Moses. She is described as "a virgin whom no man had known" (vs. 16). The midrash takes this even further lest we think that Rebecca was too forward in conversing with a strange man at the well. She is described as being completely innocent, and never having spoken before to a man outside of her family.

By contrast, Rebecca appears quite worldly and of very fine mind in one of my favorite midrashim. We read that Rebecca is a bit taken aback by the strange man's request that she give him a sip from her jug (24:17). She thinks to herself: "perhaps he is ill and too weak to get his own water. In that case, I will be bringing a contaminated jug home to my family. Yet, I cannot wash the jug in his presence, since that would embarrass him. I know -- I'll fill and refill the camel troughs for him with my jug. That will wash it out thoroughly!" This delightful piece is unusual in ancient literature in that it focuses on the cleverness of a woman rather than on her beauty, kindness or other qualities. Certainly Rebecca's tendency toward private mental calculations will come to be strongly connected to the destiny of the Jewish people (a focus of Lesson 9). It also hints (anachronistically) at a test of Rebecca's familiarity and concern for the laws of purity that will become so important in Temple times. In addition, the midrash portrays her as deceiving Eliezer (and the biblical reader) completely about her motives. This is not only a hint of things to come, but also a reminder that people are not always as they seem: a good thing for suitors to remember!

Jacob (the son of Isaac and Rebecca) is fleeing from trouble, as was Moses, when he meets his future wife at a well. (Ex. 29:2-12) Jacob has come back to the land of origin of his grandfather Abraham. He too has been adjured to avoid marrying a Canaanite woman in order to carry on the blessed family line that originated with his grandfather, Abraham. When the shepherds tell him that the beautiful shepherdess who is approaching is from his mother's family, he is so fired (with adrenaline?) that he removes the heavy stone covering the mouth of the well all by himself (this usually took the strength of a group of shepherds together). Jacob then waters all of Rachel's flock for her -- a sure way to win friends and influence people in the ancient Near East, as we have seen! What he does next is far from the usual: he kisses Rachel and then breaks into tears (vs. 11). In Tanach Achshav, a humorous modern look at the Bible, Israeli writer Meir Shalev pens the tongue in cheek voice of a man wishing that men of our time could also dare to dispense with all the stress and silliness of playing courtship games and go straight to the main event: that first kiss. He kisses her before "covering" himself by identifying himself as a cousin. By that time, Rachel is already smitten -- she has received the kiss "that will burn on her lips for the next seven years," according to Shalev. Rashi takes a far more disapproving view of Jacob's impulsiveness: no sooner did Jacob kiss Rachel then he repented of his breach of propriety and began to weep. But it was too late, since the gossiping had already begun. The Ramban de-romanticizes the kiss and attributes it to familial affection. The Hebrew says "and Jacob kissed L'RaCHeL" (literally TO Rachel). The grammatically superfluous "L" in the text is seen by the Ramban as a sign that the kiss was on Rachel's head or her shoulder and not on her mouth.

Different explanations are given for Jacob weeping just as he was falling in love with Rachel. One is that he foresaw in a prophetic vision that in the future he would not be buried with her. (Indeed, the grave of Rachel in Bethlehem is about 40 km from the graves of the other patriarchs and matriarchs in Hebron.) Another is that he felt miserable that he had brought her no gifts, since he had left home in haste. He must have known that his grandfather, Abraham had sent ten camels laden with gifts when seeking a bride for Isaac (Jacob's father). It was customary to present a potential bride with gifts. Indeed, according to the midrash, when Laban kisses Jacob to welcome him (vs. 29:13) he is really checking his mouth for hidden gems! (In the midrash Laban, who is already a shady character in the Bible, is villainized completely. We will see throughout this course that while the Bible depicts most key characters as extremely human, with their faults and their fine qualities alike; the midrash renders them as heroes or villains, black or white. This can be attributed partly to a key aim of midrash, to impart a value or message that goes beyond a straight explanation of a biblical verse.)

The Bible does not tell us whether or not Moses' and Tzipporah's engagement resulted from mutual consent. The midrash, however, paints a full-fledged love story in which Tzipporah helps Moses to pass difficult challenges that Jethro imposes on Moses for earning Tzipporah's hand. In the case of Rebecca, however, it is clear that she is asked directly if she is willing to travel to Canaan and marry Isaac (24:58). From this we have the Jewish law that no bride may be married off without her willing consent. Just as Rebecca departs with her nurse and Abraham's servant, her family members bless her with numerous offspring who will capture the gates of their enemies (vs. 60). Just as Adam was blessed in Genesis with "be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and conquer it, a parallel blessing is now bestowed upon Rebecca, the matriarch. With this, the importance of the woman's role in developing the Hebrew nation is underscored. Rebecca's blessing is also uttered to this day when Jewish bridegrooms veil their brides at traditional Jewish weddings.

That Jacob loved Rachel deeply and nurtured this love for seven years is clearly stated in the biblical text. We can only imagine what Rachel felt for him, since we are given no glimpse into their interaction, or lack thereof, during the years in which Jacob works to earn her hand. The wedding night itself, however, paints a picture of a situation in which her father was completely in charge. Laban summarily substitutes his elder daughter, Leah, for Rachel in Jacob's dark tent on the wedding night. Not only does Laban manipulate his daughters, but his son-in-law as well. That Jacob was completely fooled is obvious. (The irony of this trick being played on the one who pretended to be his own brother will be discussed in Lessons 9 and 10.) What is also clear is that Rachel and Leah had to be in on the conspiracy. This is difficult to explain. Did Rachel not care or expect to marry Jacob? Was her father so autocratic that she and her sister dared not cross him?

The midrash presumes neither. In fact it presents a picture of a love between Jacob and Rachel that is strong and mutual. Furthermore, Rachel is a prophetess, ultimately confident of Jacob's unconditional love no matter what will intervene. Jacob and Rachel devise a secret password that she will use on the wedding night, since both considered the possibility that Laban would resort to foul play to marry his elder daughter off first. However, Rachel subsequently takes pity on her sister Leah and gives her the password just before the wedding. The story continues that Rachel even sat just outside the tent so that Jacob would hear her voice when conversing in the dark with his new bride! This midrash underscores a point about family relationships in this Bible story which is not to be missed: loyalty between sisters wins out here over loyalty to one's finance. We will see that the love and mutual support shown between Rachel and Leah is in sharp contrast to the sibling rivalry we will encounter elsewhere (more on this in Lesson 8).

Again, Jewish law connects this story to Jewish wedding customs that are practiced to this day. Because of the deception played by Laban, Rachel and Leah on Jacob, Jewish bridegrooms PERSONALLY veil their own brides just before walking down the aisle to the wedding canopy. At the veiling ceremony, which is done in public before happy celebrants, the groom recites the very same blessing that Rebecca's family uttered before sending her off on her way to marry Isaac.

QUESTIONS FOR FURTHER THOUGHT

1. Can you think of examples based on your own life experience, literature or history which exemplify any of the quotes about marriage from Ecclesiastes and Proverbs cited above? (Any communication about life experiences should be without names, please.)

2. Can these Wisdom Literature quotes be used to describe any of the biblical relationships we have encountered so far, including that of Adam and Eve? If so, how?

3. For the past 2,000 years, Jewish law has been decidedly opposed to intermarriage. Even conversion for the sake of marriage is seen as controversial. To what extent do the stories of the three couples featured in this lecture support this prohibition? Does there seem to be a "historical" progression?

4. In Lesson 1, we read two midrashim that imply that each person seeks to marry a pre-destined spouse (Remember the once androgynous creature that searches for its other half, and the man searching for his missing rib of Lesson 1?). Do the three matches that we studied in this Lesson confirm or refute this view? Support your answer with incidents in the stories.

5. Abraham's servant, Eliezer, was looking for a girl energetic, kind and generous enough to offer him water and water his camels as well. What do you think caused Rebecca to do exactly that? Explain.

6. Coercion of spirits or attempts to coerce God are prohibited in the Torah more times than any other transgression. How might you defend Eliezer against intimations that this is what he did at the well? (optional: see S'forno on vs. 14)

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